Emo Philips Quotes

You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi! - Emo Philips

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. - Emo Philips

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. - Emo Philips

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. - Emo Philips

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny. - Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. - Emo Philips

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. - Emo Philips

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? - Emo Philips

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. - Emo Philips

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. - Emo Philips

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