Engvall Quotes

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say 'My Bad!' - Bill Engvall

When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you. - Bill Engvall

Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list. - Bill Engvall

No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum. - Bill Engvall

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world. - Bill Engvall

My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that...discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was...gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, 'Dude, shut up.' She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes 'God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?' And all I could say was 'Yeah, I did!' - Bill Engvall

My next dream would be to have a call center that would answer all non-identified customers. Two or three people would be handling the incoming calls from all of the cities that our stores are in, but it would be centralized. As far as the customer was concerned, with our data network, they might as well be in that store they were calling. - Ken Thengvall