Jack Handy Quotes

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. - Jack Handy

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet. - Jack Handy

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books. - Jack Handy

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil. - Jack Handy

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. - Jack Handy

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmmm, boy. - Jack Handy

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns. - Jack Handy

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know. - Jack Handy

What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? - Jack Handy

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