Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow sh*t. - Mitch Hedberg

I got a robe. It's not a robe, really, it's just a towel that fits me. - Mitch Hedberg

I get the Reese's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time your eating a Reese's and some guy named Reese comes up to you and says let me have that. You better give it to him. I'm sorry Reece, I didn't think I would ever run into you. - Mitch Hedberg

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. - Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. - Mitch Hedberg

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. - Mitch Hedberg

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. - Mitch Hedberg

Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys. - Mitch Hedberg

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. - Mitch Hedberg

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